you see, the what if's are as boundless as the stars


 At request of multiple friends, I began to read the article "The Bad Boy You're In Love With Is Never Going To Change And It's Time You Accept That" from Total Sorority Move. If that's not a mouthful I don't know what is. But as I began to read the first sentence I realized I didn't need to read about something I already knew far too much about.
    They always say, there's something about the "bad boys". The ones you know are bad news but still go after them anyways. You'd like to think they haven't told 5 other girls the same compliments they're feeding you. You'd like to think your smile would be the one to melt his heart. That if you just show him how much you really care he'll realize you're not like everyone else. But what you realize once everything's done and over with is that there really wasn't anything you could do. He was the What If-- the If Only.

   If only he had been ready.
   If only I had given it more time.
   If only I had worded it differently.
   If only I had given him more space.
If only he understood.
If only I understood.
   If only, if only, if only.

And the problem with these "if only", "what if" men is that that phrase is always on your mind. So the next time he comes around you're stuck rehashing these familiar phrases. And this post could quickly turn into all the horrible things about this type of guy. But, instead, I'd like to take the time to thank him.

Thank you for showing me I can have fun and live life for the moment.
Thank you for making me laugh, even when that was the last thing I wanted to do.
Thank you for showing me you can care about someone not matter the circumstances.
Thank you for holding me close and showing me you care, even if you could never say it--could never do anything about it.
Thank you for all of our moments I will never forget-- could never forget.
But above all, thank you for showing me I deserve better.

Because no matter how many 'thank you's I have to tell you, there are so many more goodbyes I have to say.
Not because you weren't exactly what I needed, but because I need more. 
Not because you didn't make me smile with everything you said.
Not because I didn't love you, even if I could never say it.
Not because I don't want to be with you, 

but because I can't.

Because as much as you are everything I want, 

you're not what I need. 
not what's best for me.

Because what's best for me is saying goodbye.
Because I need to breath without you.
Because I need to stop glancing at the door every time it opens.
Because I need to live a life without you
Because that's what's best for me.
Because somewhere out there is someone waiting for me

and no matter how much I want it to be, that someone is not you.

I did love you, I do love you, but you will always be my "What If"--my "If Only".


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